Sometimes you just can't win. Some well-meaning friends encourage me to write as I'm engaged with this present saga of dark depression. They tell me to write for the sake of others who are facing similar struggles. They also feel that it would be therapeutic for me (I know that is true).
Others feel that I write too much. Spare the gruesome details. Don't hang out your dirty laundry for all to see. Honestly, I don't feel that I'm doing that.
So, who do I listen to? At this moment I will listen to the promptings in my own spirit. I will write!
During this latest bout with the awful "D" word which has lasted 18 months, I have experienced every imaginable emotion. The one loss that the Lord has graciously protected me from is the passing of a loved one. I'm certainly grateful for that.
Other losses have been stacked on top of each other with several recent ones in the past 2-3 weeks. Does one's heart or spirit become immune and insensitive to heartache? Sometimes I think that's true. Immune in a sense but the pain still persists.
Have I caused others undue heartache and pain through this valley? Without a doubt! Am I pleased about that? Absolutely not! Do I want to correct my path on which I find myself? Of course! But sometimes the fog won't lift long enough to allow us to see the face of God, the scriptures He left to be our lifeline or even the outstretched hands of family and friends. We are blinded by circumstances and need His balm lovingly applied to our bloodshot eyes.
So here I sit, baring my soul. Some will be blessed by my comments, encouraged to know that they are NOT alone. Others will be critical that I have been so honest and transparent.
Only the sovereign God knows my heart, my struggles, my joys, my all. He knows why I do what I do. In the end He, only, will be my judge and "write" now He wants me to "write".
And so I will write on...